One of those days

Some days are just those days and today was one of those days.  One of those days where you try not to question everything, but you do.  One of those days you doubt yourself.  One of those days where you just want to quit.  One of those days you ask "Why?" a million and one times.

Today I just wanted to give up and say forget it.  I can't do this any more.  I just can't.  My son just pushed every button possible making me question my parenting and what I did wrong.  We went to my aunts camp to swim and he was full of defiance and manipulation  ignorance maliciousness something I just don't have the words for.  I'd say one thing, he did the opposite.  We were having watermelon and I told him to take the one he touches, he touches them all then says you said to take the one I touched.  It just kept going and I felt defeated.  I did the worse thing and tried calling my husband. Not that he could have helped from work.  What was I actually expecting him to do??? Come through the phone, make him listen and get in the car?  No, but it sure would have been nice.   But we made it home.  We got there only to have more battles.  But we ended up making it through the night.  Just kidding, he "can't sleep".  Good thing is my sweet angel of a hubs will be here soon. :)

I'm thinking that the underlining factor is that I am still battling with my mother's diagnosis. Alzheimer's.  It has to be one of the worst things ever.  It's one of those diagnoses that you know will bring suffering.  No cure.  No hope in a cure.  Just the realization that you have to make memories now.  Today.  Memories that you will remember because you know she won't.  Memories for you to hold on to and cherish.  This is where I ask scream "WHY??"  Why her? Why this?  She's been through so much and I don't want to lose her.  I can't.  What a I going to do without my mother.  She has died in a car accident only to be brought back to life.  She has battle two rounds of cancer.  She has come through open heart surgery for a tumor removal.  She is a true survivor.  Why does it have to be this??  This is not survivable.  I thought maybe they might be wrong, but deep down I knew it was coming.  It's funny that all the things that she has survived ultimately caused her diagnosis. Alzheimer's doesn't run in our family, but the trauma from all her survivals have brought what will ultimately be her end.

But through all that I will love her.  I will support her.  But first and foremost, I will rely on God.  I know he has a purpose and a plan.  While I may question and ask why multiple times, I know that My God is stronger and my God is wiser.  He will bring us through.

Here's to making new and exciting memories...like skydiving with my mother?  Maybe, but probably not. But I know she'll be there to watch me.