Sometimes It's Just in a Song

Your little hands wrapped around my finger

And it's so quiet in the world tonight

Your little eyelids flutter 'cause you're dreaming

So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light

To you, everything's funny

You got nothing to regret

I'd give all I have, honey

If you could stay like that

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up

Just stay this little

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up

It could stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you

Won't let no one break your heart

No, no one will desert you

Just try to never grow up, never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies

And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off

At 14, there's just so much you can't do

And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots

But don't make her drop you off around the block

Remember that she's getting older, too

And don't lose the way that you dance around

In your PJs getting ready for school

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up

Just stay this little

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up

It could stay this simple

No one's ever burned you

Nothing's ever left you scarred

And even though you want to

Just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room

Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home

Remember the footsteps, remember the words said

And all your little brother's favorite songs

I just realized everything I have

Is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment

In a big city, they just dropped me off

It's so much colder than I thought it would be

So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I'd never grown up

I wish I'd never grown up

Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up

Could still be little

Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up

It could still be simple

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up

Just stay this little

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up

It could stay this simple

Won't let nobody hurt you

Won't let no one break your heart

And even though you want to

Please try to never grow up

Don't you ever grow up

(Never grow up)

Just never grow up

Read more: Taylor Swift - Never Grow Up Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Heard this song for the first time the other day and I immediately thought of my daughter and how she is growing too fast.  I'm just not ready for that.  She's talking about boys, giving attitude, doing her own hair, and just plain GROWING TOO FAST!  I am just not ready for this next "phase" we will be going through.  I'm not ready for boys and heartbreak.  I'm not ready for the birds and the bees.  And most of all, this attitude.  It sure is big and unwelcome.  

I get it.  I was her age once (whether she believes it or not).  She's hormonal and doesn't know how to quite process all the things she is thinking or feeling, but seriously?  How am I suppose to understand when she doesn't understand or communicates is incomplete sentences.  Whatevs. Cray cray. Seriously girlfriend, give me something I can work with.  I tots don't get it!!  (Ha see what I did there.  Maybe I can understand.  Ya. Probably not.)  I mean, right now she's just as "cray cray" as I am.  And if you ask my husband that is extremely hard to do.  That and I'd like to keep my crown as the craziest in the house, so no honey as much as I love you, you can not have my crazy crown.  

As the song continued, it made me think of my Mom.  How she use to embarrass me and I was too cool to be seen with her.  Thought I was smarter than her and didn't need her advise.  But now that has changed.  I need her more than I let her know.  I miss her more than I let on. And I am scared for her and for us.  I remember family trips to a local restaurant and we'd share a banana split at the end of the meal.  I remember all the times I hurt her feelings like they were yesterday.  I wish so much that I could take those back and change my responses or choices.  Maybe, just maybe things would have been different.  

So know that I am older, more mature, and know all there is to know about life (who am I kidding I still have way more to learn) I can make better choices.  I can chose to do more. I can chose to love more. I want my family to know and feel my love for them.  And I want to encourage everyone to chose to love and do more.  You never know what time you have left.

We Are Doing It!!!!!

It's official, my mother and I are going skydiving!  Sunday October 12, 2014 will be a memory that I will never forget.  I absolutely CAN NOT WAIT!!!  I am so excited.

The past few weeks have been about things she wanted to do and checking things off her "bucket list".  She's gone to a Red Sox game with her Dad and son.  We are doing a lobster bake, and overnight trip to Boston and the skydiving.  She has or is going to do so many wonderful things, but I am still not sure how I feel about it.  Part of me selfishly feels like we should be making memories for us because we are the ones that will have the memories.  Also she's not dying physically any time soon.  She's not physically going anywhere, so why the rush for her to do these things?  Please do not misunderstand what I am saying/feeling/thinking. Although if you do I completely understand because I have a hard time figuring it out myself.  I hate feeling like we are treating her like she is dying and has been given a time limit.  She was diagnosed with cancer and we didn't treat her like she was going anywhere.  Right?

I guess she's not going anywhere physically, but I have to realize and accept that she is going somewhere mentally and emotionally.  Maybe not this year or in the next few but eventually.  Everyone in my family copes differently.  Some may need this.  But what we need most is each other.  We need to stay strong and united.  We are going to need us and God, especially God, more than anything right now.  That's what we need to remember in the hard days ahead.  I do know that we will have the hard days, but it will be remembering the good days and memories that will help us get through.  The memories we are going to make will be part of the glue that will hold us together.

"You never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory."

I just want to remember my Mom the way I want to.  The  most loving, kind, compassionate, gentlest soul I have ever known.  She would do anything for anyone.  I still don't understand why God chose her and I will never know.  But what I do know is that He has a purpose for this and with Him we will get through this.

"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose." Kevin Arnold

"Memories are timeless treasures of the heart."

One of those days

Some days are just those days and today was one of those days.  One of those days where you try not to question everything, but you do.  One of those days you doubt yourself.  One of those days where you just want to quit.  One of those days you ask "Why?" a million and one times.

Today I just wanted to give up and say forget it.  I can't do this any more.  I just can't.  My son just pushed every button possible making me question my parenting and what I did wrong.  We went to my aunts camp to swim and he was full of defiance and manipulation  ignorance maliciousness something I just don't have the words for.  I'd say one thing, he did the opposite.  We were having watermelon and I told him to take the one he touches, he touches them all then says you said to take the one I touched.  It just kept going and I felt defeated.  I did the worse thing and tried calling my husband. Not that he could have helped from work.  What was I actually expecting him to do??? Come through the phone, make him listen and get in the car?  No, but it sure would have been nice.   But we made it home.  We got there only to have more battles.  But we ended up making it through the night.  Just kidding, he "can't sleep".  Good thing is my sweet angel of a hubs will be here soon. :)

I'm thinking that the underlining factor is that I am still battling with my mother's diagnosis. Alzheimer's.  It has to be one of the worst things ever.  It's one of those diagnoses that you know will bring suffering.  No cure.  No hope in a cure.  Just the realization that you have to make memories now.  Today.  Memories that you will remember because you know she won't.  Memories for you to hold on to and cherish.  This is where I ask scream "WHY??"  Why her? Why this?  She's been through so much and I don't want to lose her.  I can't.  What a I going to do without my mother.  She has died in a car accident only to be brought back to life.  She has battle two rounds of cancer.  She has come through open heart surgery for a tumor removal.  She is a true survivor.  Why does it have to be this??  This is not survivable.  I thought maybe they might be wrong, but deep down I knew it was coming.  It's funny that all the things that she has survived ultimately caused her diagnosis. Alzheimer's doesn't run in our family, but the trauma from all her survivals have brought what will ultimately be her end.

But through all that I will love her.  I will support her.  But first and foremost, I will rely on God.  I know he has a purpose and a plan.  While I may question and ask why multiple times, I know that My God is stronger and my God is wiser.  He will bring us through.

Here's to making new and exciting memories...like skydiving with my mother?  Maybe, but probably not. But I know she'll be there to watch me.